4 Japanese Rules for Dealing With Difficult People

What to Do When Someone Won't Leave You Alone

Photo by Drew Bae on Unsplash

This article deconstructs four Japanese strategies for dealing with difficult people without losing your mind or your job.

1. 建前と本音（Tatemae / Honne）

In 1976, anthropologist Takie Sugiyama Lebra was studying the culture of Japan when she ran across something that made her very uncomfortable. The Japanese have two selves.

Tatemae is your public face. What you show the world.

Honne is your true feelings. What you actually think.

We call it fake. We value authenticity, being real, telling it like it is. We believe you must always say what you mean.

Which is nonsense.

You have tatemae too. You just don’t admit it.

When your boss asks you if you can work late and you say “sure, no problem” but you’re thinking “I’d rather eat glass,” this is tatemae. When someone shows you their ugly baby and you say “so cute” and not “looks like a potato,” that’s tatemae.

The difference is the Japanese are honest in using it. They understand that sometimes society works better when we don’t throw up all our thoughts at other people.

This is important when dealing with difficult people because it gives you permission to lie.

Not big lies.

Your coworker who won’t stop talking about their weekend? You don’t need to say “I don’t care about your stupid kayaking trip.” You can say “sounds great” and go back to work.

Not every relationship deserves your honne

Some people only get your tatemae

Save your real self for people who’ve earned it

2. 我慢（Gaman）

In World War II, Japan was hit by two atomic bomb strikes. Cities reduced to ash. Hundreds of thousands dead. The country devastated.

They went to rebuild their country. Without complaining. Within a few decades, they were an economic powerhouse.

That’s gaman. It means suffering without complaining. Bearing trouble with dignity and patience.

We think this sounds like doormat behavior. We’re told to be vocal, stand up for ourselves, and never put up with discomfort.

The thing with difficult people is most of them are just not worth the energy it takes to fight them.

• Your annoying coworker will likely transfer departments one day or another

• Your annoying neighbor may move

• That family member you can’t stand? You only see them twice a year

Gaman says sometimes you just put up with it until the situation changes by itself.

In 2011, following an earthquake and tsunami that killed 20,000 people and caused the Fukushima nuclear disaster, foreign journalists continued to wait for the Japanese people to lose it. To scream and cry and rage.

They didn’t. They stood in formation for supplies. They shared what they had. They cleaned up debris without being asked.

This doesn’t mean you tolerate abuse. It’s not saying you don’t set boundaries at all.

Some problems will resolve by just waiting them out with patience.

Sometimes the best strategy is simply to outlive the problem.

3. 沈黙（Chinmoku）

Silence makes people uncomfortable. We fill it. We babble. We give away information we meant to keep secret.

When someone difficult is yelling at you, try saying nothing. Just look at them. Wait. Let them run out of steam.

Most people can’t handle silence:

• They’ll talk themselves into circles

• They’ll reveal their real motivations

• They’ll just get tired and leave

In Japanese business meetings, the person who speaks first often loses. The person who stays quiet, who listens and observes, gains advantage.

Sometimes the best response is no response at all.

4. 距離を置く (Kyori o oku）

The Japanese have a saying. The adage “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Wait. That’s Robert Frost. But the Japanese do it in reality.

Kyori o oku means having appropriate distance. Physical and emotional space between you and those people who drain you.

In Japanese apartments, neighbors do not usually become friends. They’re polite. They bow. They help in emergencies. But they don’t invite one another over for dinner parties. They keep distance.

We feel guilty because we don’t want people in our lives.

The Japanese are aware of something we aren’t. Not every person deserves access to you.

Some people have to be at arm’s length. Because you work better with space in between you.

People may feel this is cold, but you can’t preserve your sanity if you allow every difficult person to crowd into your personal space and demand your time and energy and emotional labor.

---