I've coped with someone yelling at me by dissociation which looks like something else to the outside world like agreement/consent. This coping mechanism has led to other issues.
Thank you for explaining these words and concepts so elegantly. I'm Filipino and we have similar values, so they resonate with me. It can be difficult to move through life when society dictates certain behaviors to 'get ahead', when in fact, sometimes, it is in being still and quiet (but not defeated nor subservient) that allows personal progress and growth because you decide not to engage. This is my personal takeaway from your article and appreciate it so much. Thank you for this!
I am grateful to read this. Many times I have been chided for wanting to keep certain personal matters to myself. Sadly, I have also traded thoughts about others that might have best been kept private. I try to respect and encourage others to share information carefully. Graphic details shared with the world on social media about the contents of your child's diaper takes away their dignity. It is not necessary for the average person to feel they must educate the world. We are all prone communicating poorly at times. Give grace to those who misfire their emotion. Really, the only control we have is within our selves. Thank you for sharing these Four Japanese Rules.
I love words in general, so many fascinating Japanese ones especially. But these don't make sense to me in this framing. Not trying to be a hater, it's just language is more important than ever at the moment. Humans and machines both lack time for discernment, yesterday I had a 20m argument with ChatGPT about the spelling of strawberry and it still got it wrong. Ain't nobody got time for that!
The words suggested as Japanese rules for dealing with difficult people (where 'difficult' remains undefined, or is that what is meant by won't leave you alone? In what context? Living next to you? Saying hello on the work elevator?) read like this to me:
1: sounds disingenuous/phoney, which imo is an insult to both parties and forces you into a more ridiculous 'difficult person' relationship whereby you both tacitly agree to pretend you don't know the other person is a bit sketchy. Communication is a skill that needs to be practiced, but there's still no need to lie to avoid looking at photos of a coworker's new baby.
2: banality of evil comes to mind. pyrrhic defeat theory also maybe (not to be confused with victory)
3: Shakespeare power play type manipulation. Most people can endure no longer than 22 seconds I think it is of awkward silence before spilling, so it's a move used in negotiations for sure. But it's kinda nasty (& arrogant).
4: anti-social, but also, it's the same in the West for the most part. Not many ppl make besties with their neighbor do they? The bystander effect was named after kitty genovese was murdered in the stairwell of her apartment building in NYC where all her neighbors could hear her screaming, yet no a single person opened their door to see what was happening, much less tried to help. the Nazi's were 'nice ppl' too they say.
I’m learning how to set boundaries with just how much gaman I do. What’s praised as a virtue in Japan definitely has the potential to turn you into nothing but a doormat if exercised without intention in western culture.
The problem/issue with silence here is that Americans take that as agreement/ consent.
I've coped with someone yelling at me by dissociation which looks like something else to the outside world like agreement/consent. This coping mechanism has led to other issues.
Well said as always, thanks -- and best wishes for health & joy in this new year.
Thank you for explaining these words and concepts so elegantly. I'm Filipino and we have similar values, so they resonate with me. It can be difficult to move through life when society dictates certain behaviors to 'get ahead', when in fact, sometimes, it is in being still and quiet (but not defeated nor subservient) that allows personal progress and growth because you decide not to engage. This is my personal takeaway from your article and appreciate it so much. Thank you for this!
Now I know what to call it when diplomatically, yet effectively stymieing someone whose intention to engage is without my permission. Thank you.
Interesting point about the first person to speak in a meeting. How do meetings ever start then? XD
I am grateful to read this. Many times I have been chided for wanting to keep certain personal matters to myself. Sadly, I have also traded thoughts about others that might have best been kept private. I try to respect and encourage others to share information carefully. Graphic details shared with the world on social media about the contents of your child's diaper takes away their dignity. It is not necessary for the average person to feel they must educate the world. We are all prone communicating poorly at times. Give grace to those who misfire their emotion. Really, the only control we have is within our selves. Thank you for sharing these Four Japanese Rules.
I love words in general, so many fascinating Japanese ones especially. But these don't make sense to me in this framing. Not trying to be a hater, it's just language is more important than ever at the moment. Humans and machines both lack time for discernment, yesterday I had a 20m argument with ChatGPT about the spelling of strawberry and it still got it wrong. Ain't nobody got time for that!
The words suggested as Japanese rules for dealing with difficult people (where 'difficult' remains undefined, or is that what is meant by won't leave you alone? In what context? Living next to you? Saying hello on the work elevator?) read like this to me:
1: sounds disingenuous/phoney, which imo is an insult to both parties and forces you into a more ridiculous 'difficult person' relationship whereby you both tacitly agree to pretend you don't know the other person is a bit sketchy. Communication is a skill that needs to be practiced, but there's still no need to lie to avoid looking at photos of a coworker's new baby.
2: banality of evil comes to mind. pyrrhic defeat theory also maybe (not to be confused with victory)
3: Shakespeare power play type manipulation. Most people can endure no longer than 22 seconds I think it is of awkward silence before spilling, so it's a move used in negotiations for sure. But it's kinda nasty (& arrogant).
4: anti-social, but also, it's the same in the West for the most part. Not many ppl make besties with their neighbor do they? The bystander effect was named after kitty genovese was murdered in the stairwell of her apartment building in NYC where all her neighbors could hear her screaming, yet no a single person opened their door to see what was happening, much less tried to help. the Nazi's were 'nice ppl' too they say.
https://substack.com/home/post/p-184308393
https://poormgmt.craft.me/words
I’m learning how to set boundaries with just how much gaman I do. What’s praised as a virtue in Japan definitely has the potential to turn you into nothing but a doormat if exercised without intention in western culture.
Excellent reminders. Silence IS golden!!!! We live in a noisy world. Peace is the path and patience is a great guide. Thank you.
🙏🏾😎
Good advice. Thank you.
Gaman is a very good practice. Emphasizing the world practice. Thank you for the reminder.